Olats

Olats is a reversed word of “talo”, a Tagalog term for “lost” like losing a game. I’m sorry about my poor explanation though but I hope you get the gist.

Chloe, a friend from Singapore asked me two nights ago asking for the English translation of “olats”. I asked who taught her that and she gave me a hasty reply ala Singlish: “My eldest sister lah,” again, there comes her Singaporean expression (and which by the way is the easiest way to spot a Singaporean or Malaysian; heck they share the same expression hahaha) only to learn that her eldest sister is dating a Filipina.

On that same day, I interviewed a nun who is also Singaporean so I asked Chloe again if she has been to Jurong Point (she lives at Changi Green). Again, seeing her facial expression annoyed thanks to FaceTime, “What the heck am I supposed to do there? Are you dating someone from there?” I explained to her that I interviewed a Sister living there. “Ah, so you want to become a nun?” Of course, I said no, because I don’t have any interest. At least I like to think because 1) I am atheist and 2) I’m scared of them. But sometimes, after abandoning the idea of a Higher Being named Jesus who died for everyone, is using this research topic I am currently working for school requirement to come back to him which again, I refuse to and a good idea to overcome my fear of them and their veil.

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A friend was feeling down this morning so I sent her this quote from The Meditation:

“But most importantly, whenever you accuse someone of being a liar or unkind, turn inward to yourself, for the fault clearly lies with you, either because you trusted that such a person would keep his word, or because, once you had given a favor, you did so not absolutely, that is, remembering that you received the entire fruit of your action at that moment.”

The reply I got was the very example of Roman eloquence: "THAT'S BS! Saan galing yan?" (Eng. translation: where did that come from?)

I was a little taken aback because, hey, fuck me for trying to help, but without context, it does seem like victim-blaming and is potentially depressing.

But the Stoics were anything but (Marcus Aurelius was an emperor, for example. So kawawa) and that, as well as others in the book, has helped get me through a lot of things.

I took it as taking responsibility for things and understanding how things turned out the way they did. Ideally, so I know better than to not let it happen again, but sometimes just so I can go: You fucking idiot.

It doesn't take away the injury, of course. Hurt is hurt, but it's much easier to deal with when you consider that what the other did or didn't do is out of your control.

In a bit of delicious irony, I had to take my own advice last night when someone I was supposed to meet for research pushed things back because of other school stuff and eventually didn't show up before I reached my two-beer limit -- for waiting, and not, unfortunately, for drinking.

I didn't hear from her until this afternoon.

It was a minor annoyance at most, but I was (moderately) down about it until early this evening. In the end, I had had two beers on a night off that I would have enjoyed had I not been torturing myself thinking about what her not showing up meant. Or, had I not been waiting at all. 

Thinking about it further, I realized that I am not the best in punctuality either, and have flaked on more people than have flaked on me (mostly by virtue of being older and having had more people to flake on).

I'm still a little annoyed because I am a little too old to be stood up for the first time but also mainly only because we didn't have the great time I was hoping we would. And what is that, really, to lose? We could also have had a terrible time (maybe she would have ordered bad chicken and would have ended the night dying of food poisoning), but didn't.

Maybe she fell asleep on the bus like she says she did. Maybe she was doing crack in a Naga City back alley (highly unlikely). None of these possibilities have anything to do with me, and my feelings about what happened are nobody's responsibility but my own.